Tis the Season...

I don't really know where to begin with this blog, but I since I want to do it I guess I should start somewhere. May begins 3 really rough months for me. The start is Mother's Day and where I was in my life three years ago. Three years ago, I was at my sister's in New Hampshire in her bed, on her couch and at her table try to hold Baby Eli at bay. Today is eight days before Eli would be born. His birthday is May 19. He was born on a Saturday. I remember being so worried about him being born on a Saturday. I was so afraid that there would be a skeleton crew there on the weekend or some of the doctors would be sleepy or not quite themselves from out celebrating on a Friday night. He was born at 10:36 on a Saturday morning.

Well, I made it through Mother's Day this year. Evan is such a joy. He hugged me all day and played with my hair. We didn't go to the cemetery, but that's okay. I imagined Eli made a mother's day card for me in Heaven with his friend Nolan who was making one for his mommy. I was asked to keep the church nursery on Sunday. It sort of irritated me, but ended up being OK. I didn't need to hear all the mushy mother stuff anyway. It would have made me teary or agitated. I guess I really didn't know how to feel about it. So, I kept the babies. We had 6. Then, we drove across town to my parents' church and I was able to be with my mother. We had lunch at mom's and was home by 3pm. It was sort of a weird day for me. Todd didn't give me my cards till 730 pm and I had to ask him to go and get them out of the truck before Evan went to sleep. It was like it was important to him. I got an iphone a few weeks ago and told him then that could be my mother's day gift and I guess it was cause I didn't get anything else...oh except for some pitiful publix flowers. My Daddy went out and got my one dozen pink roses. He told me they were from Eli and Evan. That made my day.

So, next week is Eli's birthday. He would be 3. What will I do? I guess I will go to the cemetery and put new flowers down. The ones from Easter are faded now. I always want to do something memorable and am a terrible procrastinator. Yesterday I donated money to friends who are doing a fundraiser walk at Children's Hospital Boston. I felt good about that. I posted the link on facebook and a friend from Alabama donated, too. That made me feel good and touched my heart.

So, as I begin this 3 months from Mother's day to the anniversary of losing Eli (July 24) I am going to try and blog out my feelings. I suppose I will have only one reader. That's ok....I don't really want anyone who knows me to know what I really think anyway! They might think bad of me! And I know you understand, Ash! Speaking of Ash, she is pregnant with her second. She lost her sweet Nolan last year after 3 days. This is a very scary and emotional time for her. She is now pregnant with Baby "D" in the same time frame I was with Evan after losing Eli. Two years ago when I was just pregnant with Evan and Mother's Day came it was so hard. Being my first Mother's Day and trying to sort through my feelings. It was very difficult. People thought that my new pregnancy should erase my grief....WRONG!!! I made it through and I can honestly say each year is easier. I will always have a hole though. I missing piece. Praying for Ashley and Baby D as they journey through the next 8 months.